My Commencement Address

An old photograph of me. Six months old.

The text of an address to graduating seniors of every age. No one has ever invited me to give such an address and no one ever will. But it’s ready to go anyway

My Commencement Address

Say please and thank you.

Don't leave your toys all over the floor.

Clean your room.

When grownups are talking, be quiet and listen.

The world doesn't revolve around you.

Money doesn't grow on trees.

Do your chores or there will be no allowance.

Don't talk with your mouth full.

Clean your plate or there's no dessert.

Don't jump on the bed.

If you tell a lie, I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

MomSpeak: Wait till your father gets home.

DadSpeak: I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it.

You're not too old to get a spanking.

Never hit a girl.

Don't hit your brother. He knows he's not allowed to hit you back.

Quit crying. I don't care who started it.

One more word and I'll stop this car.

If somebody's bullying you, punch him in the nose. Bullies are all cowards.

Make yourself a sandwich.

Cut your own damn meat. And don't saw at it like a baby. Cut it cleanly.

Stand on your own two feet.

Just because everybody else wants to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge doesn't mean you have to.

Of course we love you. That doesn't mean we can't be disappointed in you.

You're not leaving the house dressed like that. Period.

You're never too old to be spanked.

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